Never really gone

Grandma passed away on the night of the 1st of September. Tomorrow's her cremation. I don't know if i want to be there for it, but whether i want to or not, i dont have a choice. I'm stuck here.
Grandma has been sick for a long time and she's always been in pain. So i guess it's a peace of mind knowing she no longer has to endure the pain, and is resting peacefully. I cannot say that I was very close to her. We never talked about anything more than the usual daily conversations about what i did, what i am doing and what i am going to do. Nonetheless, i treasure the short conversations i had with her, especially during the time i stayed at their house when i was working in kuantan, just a couple of months before i came to Adelaide. Then again, being a grandmother, she sometimes gets repetitive and it got on my nerves. During my stay in kuantan i wondered whether i would be angry at myself for feeling the way i did, when she has passed away. But i guess we all get angry and annoyed by some things, and we can't blame ourselves for it. Right? Anyway, just the thought that i did think about it makes me feel better now for how i felt then. (i dont know how much sense i am making, but i need some place to rant to make myself feel better.)
I will miss her. She always knew exactly what I liked or didnt like to eat. She gave me the jewelry that i wear everyday (i hope mum found the ring i need to get fixed). I'm extremely grateful that i was fortunate enough to be there for her birthday last year.
She is the first family member i lost (my ah-kong passed away when i was very little and i didnt remember it...). i guess i shouldn't say 'lost'. she lives in our hearts forever :)