i dont do many posts like this... if im on diary-x it would have been password protected.

After so many times of getting teary eyed and all that about school ending and stuff, i finally cried. But strangely enough, for a completely different reason something almost completely opposite because it made me WANT school and the exams and everything about it to end.

Of all times, he had to choose last night, when he's gonna be spending the next two days at home because its the weekend(o right. and monday too since its a holiday). and what sucks most is that he's partially correct. Honestly tho. i DID try looking for stuff and finding out things but u dont know how HARD it is to find anything on university websites! anyway in the end somehow managed to find something on it when he's there and then he started shouting at me for not knowing anything about anything. and its all so stupid. the whole NUS thing. so apparently its starting in august. i didnt hand in my b2 form to Mary Toh cuz i forgot it on thursday and i thought i would have time anyway and didnt need it. that form is so that my results get sent directly to the universities once they come out. so since i didnt hand it in ill have to send my result to NUS by myself. which is something i was prepared to do until last night. THen again im not THAT keen on going to NUS. k. NUS starts in august. i wont be applying to the 2 other aussi unis until once my IB results are out. but then their term starts in february. so i wont hear from them instantly right?? and if say i DO get accepted by NUS then its not like i have a choice to make yet because i dont know about the aussi universities yet! in a way im hoping i dont get into NUS. to make sure i dont get into NUS i cant do so well in my IB. which is of course an extremely stupid goal. but if i do get accepted thers a high chance ill be stuck here in singapore for the next 7 years AT LEAST. (4 yrs uni, and 3 yr bond) . that sorta sux. and i sometimes see myself trying to find my way around a foreign place already. in australia that is. by myself. cuz its just... exciting. and in a way i really want to go off on my own. anyway. my point is... im stressed about exams and my stupid exam schedule, im feeling extremely guilty for not handing in my b2 form to mary toh, i was working on this (prove RHS=LHS) math question and getting absolutely NO WHERE with it and being extremely frustrated, then he has to come in and ask me about uni and my applications and then blame me for not knowing anything when i have personally talked to the uni people who wont tell me anything! then he goes out saying, "better go sleep early" which makes absolutely no sense at all since it was already about 1am when he came in.

so today, not wanting to spend any time with him, i spent very many hours in the library again (although this time i did so little compared to what ive been doing on other days especially yesterday. i cant concentrate when im pissed off) and managed to escape getting a lift to the library with "the sun's out, i feel like walking" which was actually quite true because the sun does get rid of depression and i like the sun. its not a very long walk anyway. and its 2 bus stops down. i got on the bus listening to one song on my mp3, and the same song was still playing when i stepped offf the bus. the walk from the bus stop to the library however was quite long. but on thursday i actually walked from the library back home and i quite enjoyed it.

tomorrow i wont be in the house again. im getting sick of sitting for hours in the library by myself so instead, im going somewhere to work with amy. somewhere with food and more people. i need to decide what to revise tomorrow tho. i feel like theres so much more to revise. but i think ive pretty much covered everything for bio and math, and geo i need to learn things like statistics and case studies which is a whole lot of memorising, which i tried already, and got memorised, some of them, but i usually forget after a while, so its one of those things i have to learn in the 3 hours i have before going into the first geo exam on tuesday after english paper 1. i need to do the same for biology. ive studied the DNA stuff, muscle and movement stuff, and respiration and photosynthesis stuff (anything with long processes) quite a few times and at times i know them very well off by heart but after a few days i try to write it down on paper from scratch and i have lots of gaps not knowin what enzyme goes where, whats the name of certain things and different number of carbons, getting NAD and NADH mixed up and all that. my brain feels like its overflowing, and all these little bits and bobs keep falling out and getting lost. and it sucks cuz i keep having to go back and look for them in the txtbk and then at the same time, trying to think of that it links to another topic and i realise i dont remmber that as well! and its all very frustrating. and my math tutor wont come tomorrow because he 'cant make it' i dont know WHY. so he's coming on monday morning instead which is a bit last minute! agh. damn him. he gets on my nerves so much sometmes. i hope tomorrow is the last time ill see him ever again. since he doesnt know much about binary operations, sets and groups anyway, for my p3 exam.

so if uve read the entire thing (and i thank you for that) then u could probably see why i finally had a breakdown. The last time that happened was before mocks. mocks was pretty stressful too. since my first exams in grd 11 was pretty crap. i managed to improve a lot, so that was very motivating. but now that motivation is sorta fading especially with the thought of going to NUS if i miraculously do very well.

dont tell me its silly. i know.

jie/hl, if u read this, dont u dare breathe a word to mum or pa or i will personally strangle you when u get back. i guess i should get rid of my blog address on msn...

i'll get over the frustration and anger at(?) him after a while.
or so we hope.

btw, if u have to look good the next day for some reason, crying yourself to sleep the night before is not a good idea. unless u desperately want a double(for those who dont have) or even triple eyelid.....

goodnight.